Letters Not Sent #1

marieLetters Not Sent #1

Dear Money People,

Why is it that when someone is too broke to pay on time, or too broke to pay at all, the first thing you do is charge more? As if that’s going to help. As if the person who can’t make payments on time at 9.9% interest can suddenly make payments more promptly at 29.9%. Seriously?

And what about those penalties? When someone is struggling to get by with making minimum payments, how does it help the situation to add a $29 late fee?

And what’s this backwards double standard on interest rates? If I go to borrow money for a house or a car, I get an interest rate based on my net worth. The truly stupid thing is, the less I’m worth, the more I have to pay. Yeah, I understand, it has to do with your risk—you figure, if I have less money then I’m a bigger risk not to pay you back. Well, genius, if I have less money and you charge me more, you’re the one increasing the risk I can’t pay.

Clearly it’s your world. When I call the utility company to start electric service, you guys won’t touch my meter until I’ve paid a deposit. But when I call to end service, do I get to say, OK, now I want my deposit today or I won’t let you shut it off? No, I get to hear you say it will be a month before I get my money back. Sweet deal, f**kers.

I’d like to remind you money guys of a situation a little over two hundred years ago when the rich people said ‘Let them eat cake,’ and a short time later, their heads were no longer attached to their bodies. That should be an instructive thought for you. We’re still out here.


Not Eating Cake

Letters Not Sent #12

ID-10084449Dear Samsung Design Department,

Thank you so much for your clever idea of adding a light to the front of my new flat screen television that will shine when the unit is turned off. I always thought electrical appliances should be on when they’re off. It’s so confusing otherwise.

I especially enjoy the built-in anti-sabotage feature. When I accidentally put black electrician’s tape over the red light one night at 2 a.m., the next day I learned that the remote control doesn’t work with tape over the light. Very clever indeed! Now if someone wants to avoid the unblinking red eye from staring at them all night, they’ll have to get out of bed to turn off the television after falling asleep. Who wants to do that?

Hopefully the in-house genius who designed this feature has received the highest possible award your company offers for superfluous engineering. However, just a hint here—you might want to check out his/her likely under-the-table cash flow from the power company.

Just sayin’.


Wide Awake at 2 a.m.